Henry Field is our Interim Recruitment Project Manager. Below he shares his top tips to being inclusive during pride month, and beyond.
Hi everyone! Happy Pride Month! This is by far one of my favourite times of the year. So much joy is shared in the LGBTQ+ community, and people come together that I don’t often see throughout the rest of the year.
It’s not all fun and games. Legislation has changed over the years, and more protection is in place for members of the LGBTQ+ community; there’s still a way to go before people are truly equal.
Below are my top tips on how you can be more inclusive in your conversations with people on a daily basis:
Asking about partners
My ex-partner was male. I cannot tell you how often I was asked, “What’s your girlfriend’s name?” or “What does she do for work?” by people who innocently assumed I was in a relationship with a woman. Every time I was asked, I had to correct them and say “His name is…” or “He does this…” or “Actually, my partner is a man”. Sure enough, I’d get the “Oh! I'm so sorry, I didn’t know.” Or the “Oh cool! My cousin’s gay!” comments. Again, nothing negative, but still something I had to correct regularly. We talk about coming out stories, in reality, queer people come out every time they meet someone new.
A slight change in wording to “What’s your partner's name?” or “What does your partner do?” resolves that instantly. It’s then my choice whether I say, “His name is…”. Some people aren’t comfortable being out at work and may say, “Their name is” because they’re not comfortable sharing their sexuality with people they don’t know well.
Pronouns
In recent years, I’ve learned a lot about pronouns and the trans community. When we met, my fiancée was a trans man. They’ve now found that’s not the route they want to take, transitioned to she/they pronouns, and identify as non-binary female-presenting.
Pronouns are important to people. It’s a big part of their identity, and everyone has them. I was born male, I identify as male, and my pronouns are he/him. I choose to put my pronouns in my email signature. One, so that people know what to use when speaking to me (While it would be very uncommon to meet a female Henry, someone with a more gender-neutral name may want to make their gender clear), and two, because I want people who are gender diverse to feel safe in sharing their pronouns with me. I’ve heard some people say it feels like a silly gesture, but it was only a couple of years ago I had a transgender candidate thank me for making a point of sharing my pronouns as they felt more comfortable opening up about theirs.
Adding your pronouns to your email signature and using “They” to refer to someone you don’t know the gender of are two very easy ways to show your support and be more inclusive. If someone tells you that you got their pronouns wrong, say, “Sorry, thank you for letting me know,” and, moving forward, use the pronouns they asked you to use.
I often hear people say they “Don’t understand” pronouns, especially people who identify as being non-binary and using “They/Them”. I don’t understand how an aeroplane flies or how my mobile phone picks up signal – I still use them.
I also hear people say they struggle when someone’s name changes when they transition – Yet, I’ve been to weddings where the bride is instantly called Mrs “Husband’s Surname” minutes after the ceremony. Or how often do you hear of a Thomas who prefers to be called Tom and corrects you? Or a Danielle that prefers Dani? It wasn’t until six months into our relationship that I found out my partner’s dad uses his middle name, and most people don’t know his first name! The cynic in me thinks we are all capable of respecting people’s preferred names and labels but make more effort to do so for some people than others.
Language
Be mindful of how you identify someone. Different members of the LGBTQ+ community will have different ways of describing themselves. Just because a woman only dates women doesn’t mean she identifies as a lesbian; she may identify as gay. Gay itself isn’t gendered. The same can be said for bisexual people. It’s easy to see two men holding hands and assume they’re gay – when they could be Bi. Or Pan. Or one of the other many sexualities that make up the sexuality spectrum!
Since being in a relationship with my partner, people often assume I’m straight when actually I’m bisexual. It’s still part of my identity I’m still queer. It’s up to me, and up to other individuals how they identify.
The term “Queer” is being used more and more by the LGBTQ+ community as an umbrella term. A word that many older gay men would have experienced as a slur in schools and workplaces. While I may be comfortable identifying as queer, someone who is older may not. I wasn’t comfortable with it at first, but as time has gone on, I’m proud to consider myself queer.
Keep learning!
How many people are currently aware of the current issues being faced by the LGBTQ+ community? If one of your friends or colleagues told you they were applying for a GRC, would you know what that is? If a friend told you they were on PrEP, would you know what that is?
I didn’t know some of the answers until I encountered them in conversation, and I had to learn quickly. There are some amazing tools out there to help you learn and understand more about what your friends or colleagues may be experiencing, some of which will be shared at the end of this blog.
There’s mixed views on what to do if you want to learn. Should I ask someone who is LGBTQ+? Should I google it? What’s right? There isn’t a hard and fast rule. I don’t mind being asked questions related to LGBTQ+ life, but my experience is only one experience. What I tell you may differ from what someone else feels or says. The first step, I would say, would be to look up your question on the internet, or if you want details, read a book. And then, at least if you’re going to speak to someone, you can show you’ve done a little research first rather than putting all the burden on the person to educate you.
There are some very clear questions you should not be asking. If your colleague is in a relationship with a same-sex partner – You don’t need to know how they have sex. In the same way, you don’t need to ask about the genitals or potential future medical procedures a trans colleague may choose to have. I’d take a very sensible “If you wouldn’t ask a straight, cis-gendered (A person who isn’t trans) the question, then don’t ask someone who is queer” approach.
Most people are happy to answer questions, but that doesn’t mean it’s their role.
My best advice is to keep learning and understanding what others are experiencing. If you’re going to ask someone questions, do so in a caring, respectful, and polite way.
Extra resources
Here are a few links to some great resources that you may find useful:
Here is a great tool for primary schools that was shared by stonewall in 2022. It’s full of useful information and some great sheets on terminology:
https://www.stonewall.org.uk/system/files/getting-started-primary-ap-final_-_march_2022_-_final_edited.pdf
Want some live support and don’t know where to turn? The LGBT Switchboard is one of the UK’s oldest LGBT charities who are there to support LGBT people, and their friends or family with any questions they may have:
https://switchboard.lgbt/get-support
Recently, Phoenix had some training by Intercom Trust, which offers great support services across the southwest of England. Their website is here:
https://www.intercomtrust.org.uk/